Chapter one

Chapter 1

          She looked at her innocent face, at her little chest rising and falling at an even pace, wondering how this beautiful creature could have been the outcome of something so terrible, causing her so much suffering and pain.

          The rays of the sun illuminated her resting face. The serenity that reigned over her sleep displayed how at peace she seemed to be with the world. The black digital clock place on her small wooden night table indicated that it was 5:59 AM. Five, four, three, two, one. Jason Mraz blasted through the alarm, awaking the fifteen-year old. Unwillingly, she sat up on her bed, looking around her as if she was surprised to have awakened in her own room. After a few minutes, becoming completely aware of her surrounding, she sprung off her bed and walked to her bathroom.

          Once there, she stopped in front of her mirror and slowly pulled her face closer to the mirror, as to examine herself. A tiny, sleepy smile crossed her face. She had an oval face, embellished with small but long black Egyptian eyes, a mouth where the bottom lip was slightly fuller than her upon one. Her hair was dressed in a messy ponytail. Ringlets of the curly black hair were surrounding her face. Admiring the quality of skin complexion, a sad sarcastic smile replaced her earlier one, causing her mind to be filled with nostalgic thoughts. The sudden ring of her cell phone brought her back from those joyful and hurtful memories that had entered her mind. Reluctantly, she walked back to her room and picked up the phone, too sleepy to notice who the call was from.

“Hello?”

“Hey, how are you?” a deep and smooth voice answered.

“Guillaume?”

“The one and only”

“Oh my God, I haven’t heard from you in so long. How’s Monaco?”

“It’s okay, like always. How’s it going up there in Canada?”

“I’m surviving. So what do I own this call?”

“Well, can’t I just call my best friend to day hi without being questioned?”

“Well, it depends. Given that you haven’t called my in a few months, it’s kind of weird for me to think that you woke up one day and decide that you would call me, even though you are of the spontaneous type.”

“I guess that does make sense. Even though I could still do that spontaneously, I do have a reason for calling. The truth is that we’re already in the winter break and my mom has agreed to allow me to come and visit my aunt, meaning you.”

“That’s awesome! When exactly are you coming?” she asked, her voice while excited contained a hesitant note.

“The twenty-second. Of course, I’ll have to spend some of my time with my aunt but we should make plans and hang out. I’ll be there for two week so we do have plenty of time to catch up for, what? Two and a half years of not seeing each other and also plan you a birthday party. What do you say?” She had forgotten that her birthday was coming up and had wanted to keep it that way. A party was the last on earth that she wanted to do.

“That’s great. I’m okay with everything but the whole birthday party thing. There is nothing on this whole freaking planet that would make me want to have a party. Apart from you, I don’t really have any “friends”.  I have more of what you call camarades rather and amis. All that I ask is for me to hang out with my best friend. It would be enough of a gift for me. Well, since you’re coming in a few days, we’ll have more than enough time to talk ‘cause right now, I have to get ready to go to school. We’re not off until the tomorrow, unlike you lucky bastards.”

“I see. OK, so I’ll let you go and I’ll see you soon”

“Ok, bye. Love you.”

“Love you.”

She hung up the phone. She was beside herself. Guillaume was coming to visit. She didn’t know if that was such a good idea. Not because she didn’t want to see him. She had missed him more than anyone could imagine but something inside her told her that this trip of his wouldn’t be as great as they might think to be. But before she could wonder any further her alarm rang again. She had forgotten to turn it completely off. 6:15. She needed to hurry up, otherwise Vilonia would miss her bus. Her morning routine was tiring. For her, monotony was a slow death, gently flowing at the same pace, silently killing the person trapped in its grip. Nothing could to be done to prevent its presence and so she continued with her routine, simply accepting the fact that life is a daily battle. Another morning, another day.

Waiting, the great cousin of monotony; one that visited her more often than daily.

She sat there, in the cold of winter, waiting for her bus. Once again the monotony of all streaked her. Thankfully, an event would disrupt it: the arrival of Guillaume to town. Guillaume was coming. Was that a good idea? Her mind began again to argue against itself. Her first opinion asked of the second one:

“Do I really want him to come?” The second answered “I don’t”, forcing the first one to defend itself “Well, why in the world should that be a debate? He’s my best friend. Why are we debating if his visit is a good ideal? Of course it is!”

“You don’t know that for sure. What if he has changed? What if I have changed? I don’t want him to come all the way from Monaco just so that we talk for a few minutes before he starts having regrets when he could have been skiing in the Alps. I don’t need someone to come all the way from Europe and embarrass me. I can do that very well all on my own.”

“Well, that’s not good enough of a reason. And plus, he said that he was also coming to see his aunt. So no worry, I’m not the only reason for his coming here.”

“That’s nice to know,” was the answer she got from her second “side of the story” opinion.

And before she could go to war with herself, her bus pulled up. That’s another thing that she noticed about her life, but unlike the other strange things, she was actually eternally thankful for that one: the fact that every time she was thinking about something somewhat serious, she was interrupted. It allowed her not to be alone with her thoughts for a long period of time. Now she was distracted. And to stay that way, she pulled out her extremely cheap and occasionally working MP3 player. Luckily enough, it decided to function today, blasting music into her head therefore creating an impenetrable wall between her and her thoughts.

School. Learning was on the top of her favorite things to do, making her – amongst other qualifications – different than the rest of the adolescent population. School also meant having to be cheerful and happy around people who are the same way. It’s not such a hard thing to do, she sometimes even enjoys it but in the end, she understands that she can never be like tem, no matter how hard she tries. But this is not the worst part – although it is bad. The worst part is that they don’t care about her, at least not in the way that they should. Reciprocity was also one of the things that made her life so complicated. But we won’t get into that just yet.

Casi was now able to walk from the bus parking lot to her locker without any interruption. It was when her first period began that the monotony of her life truly began. It also allowed her to get in the mood and rest enough to gather the energy for the extraneous social activities that were included with her second period. Now don’t misunderstand her (something the majority of people did), she liked her camarades but she is like another species compared to them. And they aren’t mean to her in any way; however they are mostly unknowingly hurtful to her. Let’s now enter that world.

“Hey Nilee! Did you study for that test?” was the first thing she thought of saying. Since she did not really interact with them socially, school was the only thing she could always talk to them about even though they didn’t seem to enjoy it much.

“No! I had hockey practice yesterday and I had so much homework to do. I barely finished my physics project, and then I had to do those vocabulary flash cards. I went to sleep at three o’clock to wake up at six. I’m sooooooooooooooooooo tired. Please, help me out. I can’t afford to have lower than a C on this test otherwise I won’t be able to play hockey. Girl, I need your help badly!”

And so like always …

“Sure, I don’t know why you keep on asking me every time since I always say yes.”

“Oh my God! Casi, I love you! You’re a life saver! I own so much!”

The first idea that comes to Casi’s mind is the lack of reciprocity. No, she doesn’t want to think about it. She tightens it, just long enough for her thoughts to stop wandering and before anybody starts noticing what she’s doing. Clear, her head is now clear. Few minutes after Mr. Siramsay was passing their test. Within few seconds, Casi’s neck was tickling. Without turning around, she pushed her test toward the right end of the table in such a way that Nilee could see it. And so, the first half of second period would be spent concentrating on a hard test and making sure that the person behind her could see them clearly, not different from any other test day.

And so life goes on, filled of lack of reciprocity and monotony. After the test, new notes are taken, conversations occur on the side, which quite excluded Casi, not necessarily voluntarily. The funny thing is that no matter how many times this has occurred, she has never been able to get used to it. For, this is not something someone can get used to: being used. Finally, third period arrived, thus allowing Casi to rest.

Now lunch comes. The library was one of her few sanctuaries. Today, however, it was incredibly crowded, even the corner of the building where she submerge herself into a book. Luckily enough, she had a second place to plunge an imaginary world. It was located next to the busy cafeteria and yet no one seemed to know about it. Once she situated herself comfortably, she opened her book and dealt with her life the only way she knew how to: escaping. Her life wasn’t that bad but there were several things wrong with it. Notwithstanding, she was still able to find happiness in some of the darkened corner of it. Guillaume used to be part of it. A brother to her, she had a hard separating herself from him when she moved from France to Canada, but that was life, a sacrifice, although big not unbearable. She had always wanted to travel the world and the IB program would definitely make that easier, but it was too expensive in France. And then, an opportunity knocked: moving in with her cousin to Canada where the schools which offered the diploma free. That would help, and of course, her mom, in a subtle but now obvious was, had trapped her into saying yes, declaring it the best option for her daughter and the fact that it would be the star of her world journey. Did she regret it? Half the time, yes. It was part of her mechanism, a characteristic that came with the quality (or fault) of perfectionism. She missed many things, Guillaume among them, but above all, she missed her country. She didn’t realize how much a part of her France was. Who knew that one could miss a country like she did?

That was her train of thought when, of course, it got interrupted by the bell. Fourth period. She actually enjoyed fourth period, both the class and the people within it. She loved the environment and her classmate made her laugh no matter what mod she was in, just like the crappy one she was in at that day. They were able to do exactly what she had expected them to do that day: make her laugh. Jaken and Karma were the most hilarious and long lasting couple she had ever met. They had been going out together since sixth grade and had been able to stay together until today, the middle of their senior year. Looking at them, anyone could see that they were made for each other. They were the type of people who could never be down and brought up the moral of everyone around them, including her. And before she knew it, fourth period was finished and she had to move to her next period. What made her a little sad was the fact that there never was a greater embodiment of monotony and boredom as there was in that class, no matter what the teacher did. The truth was that his trying so hard was the reason why the class was unbearable. The seconds seemed to pass like hours. Luckily enough she had many other things to do while the teacher talked his head off and did enough activities in one day to last the students for their entire four years of high school. Again, she pulls it tightly enough for her to be able to concentrate about her work. The bell rang. Sixth period: same intensity as second. Always trying her best and it not being enough. Comparing the two classes, she realized that sixth period was actually harder than third since she didn’t have hat much of a hard time concerning the subject itself. But for her, it wouldn’t change and therefore it didn’t matter. Life goes on. C’est la vie.

Phone vibrating. And like always, she is surprised by it. She slowly pulls it out so that her teacher cannot see it and looks at the screen. Restricted. That could be anyone: her mother, her sister, Guillaume, or the many people who she knew and didn’t live in this country. How will she know? Without much thoughts, she .puts the cell phone back in her pocket and let her imagination create a story. It could be her mom simply calling to see how she’s going, probably thinking that she’s already on her break. Some goes for her sister and brother. Or it could be Guillaume calling to say that he wouldn’t come. So many different …

“Casi?” the voice was that of her teacher.

“What”

“I said, what was Tereza’s last dream about Tomas?”

“It was the one in which she saw him becoming a rabbit. As she got closer to him, he started shrinking and that’s when she realizes that although she is the weakest, she has power over him.”

“Good. And Junior…”

As simple as that, her mind could go from one place to another, a very helpful tool for a constantly wandering mind. She plunged back into her reveries. Could it have been Guillaume calling to day that he wouldn’t come? Did she wish it to be? That again come back to those ultimate questions she has been asking herself the entire day: did she want him to come and if not, why? To the first, she was till debating. To the second she had already answered: the fear of having regrets coming from the idea of having changed beyond having anything in common. And now a third question posed itself: was the answer to question #2 enough to answer no to question #2? All of these questions were finally making her head hurt. For the third time today, she tightened it, tighter and longer than she had the two other times. When her mind cleared itself, she let it go. She could never remember when she had taken that habit but she was always thankful for it. It was the only way she could rapidly clear her mind of all her thoughts.

The bell rang, announcing the end of another school day and the beginning of her day at home. Walking to her locker, she tried not to pay attention to others, focusing on what she had to take home and tomorrow being the last day before the break. She got out of the building, arriving at the bus parking lot earlier than usual. Once on the buy she looked out the window and waited for her turn to get off the bus.